![]() While demand avoidance is the most widely discussed characteristic of PDA, other traits cluster with the PDA profile, which can lead to confusion for parents and healthcare professionals. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is not yet an official medical diagnosis, but there are several core characteristics associated with it. Characteristics of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) Understanding the neurobiology behind PDA can help parents and caregivers respond with more attunement and empathy rather than frustration and confusion (and for PDAers it can lead to greater self-compassion). On the other hand, when they feel threatened, they can appear excessively controlling and dominating, engaging in ways that may feel manipulative to others. On the one hand, they can be absolutely charming and light up the room (particularly when they have control and autonomy). People with PDA can vacillate in their mood. In the case of PDA, there is almost no window of tolerance, so simple, everyday demands like “put on your shoes” can lead to big emotional reactions. The neurodivergent nervous system tends to be more rigid, meaning it more easily flips into a stressed state. Any threat to that autonomy is perceived as dangerous, triggering a fight, flight, or freeze response. However, an increasing number of individuals identifying with this profile are beginning to use “Pervasive Drive for Autonomy” instead (coined by Tomlin Wilding), better capturing the underlying core need. Demands are only a problem insofar as they threaten autonomy, and for people with PDA, autonomy equals safety. Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a term that has historically been used to describe a profile of autism. What is Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) There is a lot of information in this article (my Autistic brain just kept going with it, feel free to save it for later in taking in the pieces of information that feel useful). But before we dive into low-demand parenting, let's first unpack what PDA is and what it isn't. Through our exploration of PDA, we discovered the concept of low-demand parenting, which is often associated with PDA advocacy and parenting groups. That’s when we learned about PDA, which became the missing piece of the puzzle in understanding our child. When she was first diagnosed as Autistic, it helped explain some of our struggles, but we still felt like there was something missing. My nervous system was constantly on edge, and I struggled to understand why parenting felt so incredibly hard. ![]() As the stay-at-home parent, I found myself getting caught up in her meltdowns and feeling like a terrible mother. Rewards and threats of consequences only made things worse. We quickly realized that our bright, intelligent daughter could sense when we were trying to influence her into a specific response. We would often ask ourselves, “If we can’t figure this out with our backgrounds, who can?!” But sometimes, nothing seemed to work, and we found ourselves at a loss for how to parent our daughter. ![]() With my background in clinical psychology and my husband's in education, we thought we had all the tools and strategies to handle any challenge that came our way. We have two doctorates (mine in clinical psychology, his in education). ![]() My husband and I used to joke that it was a "co-evolutionary arms race" as we tried to keep up with our daughter's changing needs. Parenting can be a wild ride full of constant adjustments and tweaks.
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